Thursday, September 1, 2011
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm very stubborn. I use the stubbornness and fight. Thinking about it, I pride in my ability to fight. People tell me I'm strong and I shrug it off. But I agree... I know I'm strong. I've been through a lot over the years.
Why do I fight? I'm not too sure... I just do it. Sometimes fighting gets me into trouble and hurts people. It pushes people away. It pushed my best friend away.
He went away because I got mad at him. I couldn't tolerate his attitude and disregard for me. I couldn't stand how he would tell me we could get together and then cancel on me. I couldn't stand how he didn't care about our friendship after so long, so I told him so. I told him if he couldn't be a friend to me then he shouldn't a a friend.
And then he went away. He said I changed too much.
He didn't know me that well, I guess...
I miss him a lot. I mourn our friendship even though I told him that it didn't hurt that much... I told him the truth, though: this didn't hurt compared to how much I hurt when I saw the love of my life suffer.
Is that why I'm strong? Because I compare the pain I feel in everyday life to what I felt when I watched my mum die? Everyday pain is insignificant compared to that morning.
Contrary to some belief, I still have emotions. I was telling John how scary it was, though, that I could just hide them on a whim, push back tears and collect myself. I can pretend. I think that's what people see when they tell me I'm strong. But that's not the reason. I don't know the reason.
I have since made new best friends and almost lost them, too. Over the same reasons... but this time, instead of confronting them and fighting, I ran away. I didn't want to lose people I've worked so hard to be close to.
I went through a lot of pain and confusion. I didn't understand why I couldn't just move on and forget about them. I tried hard but those pains always came back. I hate hurting. John suggested that I just ask them what's going on, so I did. I started to fight and I'm not sure why. I fought for what I believed in... our friendship. I didn't feel like throwing it away and moving on all over again. It didn't look good at first... but then in the end, something happened.
I didn't lose my friends. I got a second chance...
Maybe I can learn something from this battle.