Letting Go...

All too often, I'm so easily influenced by what other people think of me. I hate being judged. I want to be seen as a great person to my peers, friends, family, boyfriend, but most of all, to complete strangers. First impressions are so important, after all. You never know what chance meeting could be the key to your entire future.

A long time ago, I used to record my progress at ITG through taking videos of the songs I played and posting them online. I did this until someone showed me a video of a girl (someone I didn't even know) playing ITG and was mocking my play style. It hurt to see a complete stranger making fun of me. So I took all the videos down. A few months ago, I made the decision to start taking videos of my progress again (but I try to keep out of the videos as much as possible). I do post the videos on You Tube so that others can watch or whatever. A step in the right direction, I suppose.

I also used to preoccupy myself with keeping tabs on this one girl (another person I don't know) to make sure she wasn't saying anything terrible about me or my family. Knowing damn well she always would say terrible things with no actual facts to back them up, I would read on and I would get so upset. It wasn't until recently that I stopped doing this. Why? Because "ignorance is bliss." Lo and behold, since I started ignoring said person, I've felt a lot better. It was one of the firsts steps I had made in letting go.

I did some soul searching, as often I do when my insides are at some sort of dissonance. I thought critically and rationally. I thought about the quote I had posted and reposted and will repost again now because it's so true (to those who read my blog on a regular basis, I'm sorry if you're sick of this quote... but for me, it's a mantra):

"I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's," says the self-work teacher Byron Katie in her book, Loving What Is, which deserves to be high on the reading list of anyone who is in a close relationship with an addict. "For me," Katie writes, "the word God means reality. Anything that's out of my control, your control, and everyone else's control-- I call that God's business.
"Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, "You need to get a job, I want you to be happy, you should be on time, you need to take better care of yourself," I am in your business... I realized that every time in my like that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else's business.
"If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We're both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn't work."

-From the book, "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate

Let those people preoccupy themselves with other peoples' lives. That's their problem. They're feeding off of their own insecurities to make themselves feel better. What matters to me is me. My business, my goals, my aspirations, my journey, my passions... me. Not what others think of me... because what they think or say about me is pseudo-truth. No one knows me like I do. 

Judgement is in human nature. It's prominent in religion. There's probably close to 7 billion people on this planet and I don't know how many different Gods and Goddesses, but... I'll kill myself with stress and worry if I'm constantly monitoring everyone else. So... having said that, I let go of what others think and feel about me. In the big scheme of things, it's unimportant in my little piece of reality.

Sick days = the real, glamourous life of yours truly

I think going hard up until this point has gone and made me sick. Or perhaps it was John's fault. Either way, I had to take my last two days before school off due to an incurable headache, congestion, and just overall fatigue.

The first day of being sick was boring, to say the least. I spent the day sending in assignments and rescheduling tests and fretting over how I will ask to reschedule my tests from my teachers ("Do I send them an e-mail?" Call?" "This e-mail sounds stupid and lame... what if they don't let me reschedule my exams...?"). After having some encouragement from the people online at the time, I sent some e-mails and got both of my tests deferred. And then I went to sleep for a while.

Today was a little more productive. I did laundry, finished a game that I've been meaning to finish for... about half a year now: Tales of Vesperia. It took all of 20 minutes to do. For an anti-climatic 5 minute ending, I was pretty bummed out. One of the character's-- Yuri-- is pretty dreamy. I knew I would miss him dearly... even if he was a big murderer (I think that's where most of the appeal came from, in all honestly. Just this guy being a hard-ass).

Needs more lensflaire for dreamyness factor.

John suggested I start Final Fantasy 13 next. Pretty valid suggestion, seeing as I bought the game on launch (March 9, 2010), with a collectors edition strategy guide, and have failed to open either yet. And... thankfully for me, I still don't need to open my copy because I just borrowed it from a friend. So I decided to play that.

First impressions:
- Vanille is annoying. This chick can't get her accent straight. What is it? Pick one and go with it.
- Pretty game. Very visually appealing. In fact, so visually appealing that sometimes, I'll catch myself playing around with the camera angles and admiring the detail of the characters, the scenery, etc.
- I've played this game before. It reminds me a lot of... Final Fantasy 10. Hmm...
- ... wait a tic. That voice sounds familiar... Yuri?!

...Yeaah. That's right. I consulted a friend of mine (old co-worker from Gamestop) who confirmed for me that Snow's voice actor is the same as Yuri: Troy Baker. The stars aligned. Fate knew my geek crush and led me to play this game that I had no interest in until boredom called. Ah... I like when things just work out. I like Yuri better though. Snow seems like a ... a person I'm not interested in. Too ... heroic... optimistic... blonde... You know. =P

Still sort of badass... I guess.

Once John got home, we went to play ITG. If I may just suggest to anyone thinking playing ITG while congested and sick: not a good idea. I did some stuff, and I'm still paying for it 4 hours later. Don't even ask me why I'm still awake at 1:30 in the morning. I threw sense and reason out the window way earlier.

This song is long, and I'm lazy. Ugh... woes of a semi-pro ITG player. UGH.

 ...And then passed another 12. That was about the point where I began to die in my chest. Ah... oh well.

---

Tomorrow (later today, technically), John and I will be celebrating our Valentine's day in the mountains at one of the nicest hotels, the Fairmont Banff Springs. Other than oogling the place, I'm not sure what we'll do in Banff. There's been a rumour for years now that the Banff Springs hotel has a DDR machine. We will confirm or deny this rumour. We may go to the hot springs, as well.

The Fairmont Banff Springs: could very well double as Hogwarts.

Instead of speculating, I will write a post about our adventures after the fact. Sounds good? Good... because now I'm tired...

Until next time!

Non-conventional dancing in a public setting, and why I do it

Now that exams are over (mostly), I'm happy to announce I can finally start updating this thing again! And oh, how I've missed it...

Purposefully contradictory with the time of year is weight loss and working out. My method is quite unique... albeit geeky most times. It's something called "In The Groove," or "ITG." It's a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) equivalent, essentially. ITG is nice because it's a very customizable version of DDR, where a person can upload "stepcharts" onto a USB drive, plug it into the front of the machine, and play songs off of it. Our friend who owns the machine (and was one of the best DDR players in North America at one point) also puts any song we want onto the machine to play. This includes old DDR songs, which John and I usually play (for nostalgia's sake. What do I mean by this...?)

John and I met in an arcade playing DDR about 6 years ago. Back then, ITG never existed, and there was a fairly large community of players. Competitive players. Tournaments and conferences were frequent, and the first one I ever went to, John had won it! At that time, I had a boyfriend and had no idea that I had feelings for him. I learned later that he had a crush on me since the day we first met... =)

Those days are gone now, as evidenced by the lack of interest in the most recent conference being held by the machine owner (or maybe it's the fact that it's the dead of winter and between Christmas and New Years' that the conference is being held... not sure!). The community broke up a long time ago, gradually, as people began to move away, go to post-secondary, and as DDR machines began to break down due to lack of care. Despite this, John and I still love to play, both as a workout and because we love the game so much. We love improving ourselves. Not everyone can say that they can pass 'an 11' on ITG. The hardest songs got in DDR was a 10, for example. So we feel quite accomplished.

We, as well as a select few of our friends who will still occasionally play, make an effort to go at least twice a week to play this game for hours at a time. By the time we're finished playing, we're both dripping with sweat due to the intense cardio workout that it can be. We've gained a lot of stamina playing the game as well, as a lot of the custom songs on the machine are long (some between 5-10 minutes, compared to the typical 2-3 minute song).

Why am I writing about this? John and I went to play last night, the first time in about a week for me due to exams. We went late, leaving here at around 8 and got home around 11:30 or so. Not only does it remind me of the good ol' days where I would just pick up and go to the arcade in the middle of the night or whatever, but it reminded me of another reason why I am grateful for John in my life. He helps me with everything. We share (most) everything together. He's been with me through everything.

Playing ITG also reminds me of mum. There was a time where I went over to her house to visit and she had bought a DDR pad and game to play at home. She told me she's playing it to lose weight and get a workout, too. I was so excited for her! But... she said I couldn't see her play until she got 'as good as me.' She said when she got good, she wanted to play against me. Haha...

When she passed away and we were cleaning out her house, I found that DDR game and the companion pad. I debated selling it, but I decided to hold onto it. I'll never really know how good she got, but it touches me to know she looked up to me when it came to that silly game. Although I play for myself, I also play for her, too. I always have. =)

Until next time...

(Does anyone else have any geeky guilty pleasures?)